


Intimidating

by EclecticRegard



Series: Ace!Sonny 'verse [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Sonny Carisi, Dating, Doubt, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Scared Sonny, Sonny worries Barba won't understand, Understanding Barba
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 17:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13792242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EclecticRegard/pseuds/EclecticRegard
Summary: Dating Rafael Barba had been the single most terrifying experience of Sonny Carisi's life.





	Intimidating

**Author's Note:**

> Asexual!Sonny Carisi features in my first fic for this fandom. Sonny is flexible, however; he's not repulsed by sex, but past experiences have left him worried about his lack of physical response. Like all sexualities, there are many facets to being asexual. This is just how Sonny experiences his sexuality.

 Dating Rafael Barba had been the single most terrifying experience of Sonny Carisi's life. 

 

 

 

 

At least, it had been when they'd first started. The man was intimidating enough as it was and Sonny'd had to work up the courage to ask him to hang out as friends, never mind the idea of dating him. He could still very clearly recall how that conversation had gone, with him asking Rafael if he wanted to grab a drink after a tiring case and Rafael narrowing his eyes for a few moments, as though he were still sizing Sonny up, before he accepted. He'd also insisted Sonny buy the first round, but quickly changed his mind when, apparently appallingly -- if Rafael's reaction were any indication, Sonny had ordered beer for their first round ("This is a Scotch situation, Carisi. How dare you," he joked as he paid. Sonny laughed at that and Barba rolled his eyes, but his lips were quirking upwards in spite of himself).

 

Dating had bloomed naturally after that, but the time Sonny had spent prior to their first official date was the most nerve wracking, agonizing time in human history, he was sure. The very idea of dating him was enough to make him feel panicked. Not because he wasn't sure if Rafael found him attractive; he'd been the one to ask for a real date, after all. But the man himself just exuded all the positive traits Sonny felt he lacked. For starters, Rafael was cool and collected, sophisticated, and always seemed in control of himself. He always knew exactly how to react appropriately in social situations, knew the best places to eat and the best drinks to pair with their food, and his self-confidence always came off of him in waves. To Sonny, it felt like they were polar opposites.

 

Those qualities, however, were ones that Sonny had been aware of from almost the moment they'd met -- hell, they were the initial basis for his attraction to the man in the first place. The real reason for his inner turmoil was the not-so-simple matter of the physical expectations that he knew came with dating. Perhaps Rafael was too classy to anticipate more than a kiss at the end of the first night (Sonny was almost certain of that, at least), but if they hit it off and continued dating -- and Sonny just  _knew_  they'd hit it off; they were already friends, he'd been sporting a crush practically since they'd met, and Barba had purposefully not been subtle about his own attraction -- each other, more intimate acts were bound to be expected. It was a part of any 'normal' relationship (according to his observations of society, which always seemed far too unfairly demanding of individuals in his opinion), and Rafael didn't seem like he'd settle for anything less than normal. That had terrified Sonny more than anything else.

 

Because for as long as he could remember, Sonny had never once experienced sexual arousal. Sure, he'd dated people and had sex with them, but he never felt the same arousal that his partners felt. The first time it happened, he'd felt awful about it afterwards. It was bad enough that he didn't have a physical reaction. It was worse when the young woman had laughed at him. After that, he'd been very cautious about who he involved himself with. As time passed and the outside world became more aware of people that didn't fit into the nuclear, hetero ideal, it had become a little easier for him (it turned out that having sex wasn't so bad, as long as he did it with somebody that wouldn't tease him about his lack of physical interest and instead appreciated his enthusiasm at the intimacy being shared). But that didn't mean Sonny didn't still worry about it. Especially when it came to dating someone whose friendship and working relationship he valued so highly.

 

If it came to...  _that_ , Rafael was sure to respond tactfully, perhaps even kindly, but there was no way a man like that would feel the need to keep seeing Sonny romantically. Not when Sonny was sure people were practically beating down the man's door for a chance to date him.

 

Those thoughts were what plagued Sonny's mind as he went to work that morning, whenever he had a free moment in between paperwork and discussing a case, as he left work late that afternoon, as he showered and readied himself for dinner. Rafael picked him up at 7 -- the damn romantic traditionalist; when he'd insisted, Sonny thought for sure he might melt into a goopy puddle right there -- and, as they made their way to the restaurant and sat down for dinner, Sonny temporarily forgot his anxieties and was able to enjoy himself. After dinner, they went for a walk. All had seemed well right up until they found themselves outside of Sonny's building again. 

 

They stood just before the steps and an unusual, but pleasant, quiet had suddenly filled the air. They were still holding hands (a tactical move by Sonny, who'd forgotten his gloves, complained, and had happily listened to Rafael gently scold him about the fact that it was January while removing one of his own gloves and taking the other man's hand in his) and had turned to face one other. They stood in silence, staring into each other's eyes for what felt like a small eternity.

 

For once, Rafael didn't take the initiative to break the silence, so Sonny did. 

 

"Um. Well, this is me," he had said lamely, grimacing after. Rafael had laughed, a quick, amused scoff, and Sonny responded with a sheepish smile.

 

"Yes, I remember, Sonny." Rafael gave his hand the slightest of squeezes. He took note of the worry bubbling just under Sonny's surface, clear just behind the amusement in his eyes, and frowned. "Are you nervous for some reason?"

 

"Not at all," Sonny had answered, perhaps just a bit too quickly. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from running his mouth; it always seemed to ruin things for him or, at the very least, served to embarrass him to no end. 

 

Rafael pulled his hand away ( _no no no no it couldn't already be happening oh god where had Sonny_ already _gone wrong_ ) and reached up to cup Sonny's face gently in both hands. He guided Sonny down a bit so that they were no more than a hair away from one another and he smiled one of his genuine, kind smiles that had been making more and more frequent appearances as they spent more time together. "There's no need to be so nervous,  _detective_. I won't bite." He leaned forward to close the small distance between them. The kiss was gentle, almost careful, no more than a peck of the lips. It left Sonny damn near in heaven. It was unexpected and certainly didn't seem like "first kiss" material for Rafael, but it served to ease away the worry troubling the other man.

 

For a moment, anyways.

 

Rafael pulled back with a quick lick to Sonny's bottom lip and grinned wickedly. "That is, unless you want me to."

 

The sound that escaped Sonny's lips was a cross between an amused chuckle and hysterical giggling. "I'll, uh, be sure to let you know about that,  _counselor_."

 

If Rafael had caught the hint of anxiety seeping back into Sonny's voice, he didn't say so. Instead, he kissed him again, longer this time with just a bit more enthusiasm, until he pulled away completely. "So. Are you going to invite me inside, or am I going to be left freezing out here the rest of the night?"

 

Oh, Sonny felt like he wanted to be swallowed up by the earth just then. God, or the Fates or whomever was out there controlling this situation just now, was cruel.

 

Instead of making up a flimsy excuse and running away, he nodded and cheerfully said, "Would you like to come in, Rafael?"

 

At the use of his given name, Rafael smiled again. "If you insist."

 

Once they were in the elevator, Sonny felt his heart pounding in his chest. He was positive Rafael would be able to hear it, it was so loud in his own ears. God, why hadn't he just said goodnight and left it at that?? He couldn't even give himself the illusion of a blissful beginning with Rafael, something he'd been daydreaming about off and on for a while, for even just a few more days?!

 

Rafael watched him out of the corner of his eye, watched as Sonny switched between nervously licking and then biting his bottom lip. Just when he was about to reach out a hand and say a few comforting words, the elevator doors opened and Sonny hurriedly stepped out and lead the way to his front door. 

 

Sonny's fingers fumbled with his keys as they shook, and embarrassment settled right in his chest when it appeared he'd never get the door open. Before he could get any more flustered, a large, warm hand covered his. He looked over, startled as though he'd forgotten Rafael was physically right beside him, and was met with a look of concern. Rafael gently took the keys, opened the door, and ushered Sonny inside. 

 

Once the door was shut again, Rafael barely spared the apartment a cursory glance before taking Sonny's hand again and leading him to the couch. He pushed gently until Sonny sat down, and then sat down next to him, shifting his body so that he was turned towards him.

 

Sonny only had a second to be glad his hands had stopped shaking before Rafael turned his investigative, questioning look right at him.

 

"Do you care to share what's going on, or must I guess?" Although he was clearly curious, Rafael thankfully saw fit to keep his tone compassionate, rather than his usual ruthless manner when he was searching for an answer.

 

"What?" Sonny chuckled. "A guy can't be nervous?"

 

"Of course he can," Rafael agreed. "This, however, seems more like absolute terror. I know I can come off as intimidating, but I thought we were beyond you feeling that way about me. Unless I've misread the situation."

 

"It's not that!" he insisted, a hint of panic coloring his voice. The last thing he wanted was for Rafael to think Sonny was somehow scared of him.

 

"Then what is it, Sonny?" he asked softly. 

 

It seemed as though all Sonny could do was stare back at him wordlessly, shaking his head like he just couldn't bring himself to acknowledge the worst thing in the world -- the fact that he was sure things would end between them before they'd ever really had a chance to start.

 

"I would hope that you would feel comfortable enough to tell me if there's a problem.  _Dios_  knows you aren't afraid to speak up about a case," Rafael said with a smile. When Sonny's responding smile was weak at best, absolutely pathetic at worst, he put a hand on Sonny's forearm. "Please. If it's something I can help with, I'd like to have the chance."

 

Finally, Sonny's tongue seemed to loosen up enough so that he could say something. However, what he said was so quiet that Rafael had to lean in. Sonny repeated himself, eyes squeezing shut and face turning a brilliant pink.

 

Rafael leaned back, confusion laced in his voice as he repeated, "Sex?"

 

After a moment, Sonny nodded.

 

"Sex," Rafael repeated flatly. "Sex is what scares you. I must say, Sonny, this is the last problem I thought you'd have."

 

Rather than help him feel any better, the words gut him. He pulled his arm out of reach and turned hurt, accusatory eyes at the other man. "Why the hell would you say that?"

 

Sonny yanking out of his grasp stung, but Rafael kept himself calm and even as he replied. "You're so damn confident in your own skin, I could only assume it extended to that as well."

 

"Well it doesn't! 'Cause now 'good ole confident Carisi' is ruined and all you're left with is a sack of nerves that wouldn't know arousal if it came up and slapped it in the face!" Sonny snapped.

 

Rafael blinked once, then twice, slowly. "You're kidding."

 

"Why would I joke about something like that?" As he said it, whatever anger he'd been feeling seeped out and left only the exhaustion of a person that had had their fair share of rejection left in the wake of whomever was unable to deal with the situation.

 

"Sonny." One word, spoken so carefully, like he were trying to tempt a wounded animal to come to safety, brought tired eyes back to look directly at Rafael. 

 

"What."

 

"That's honestly what's been upsetting you?" When Sonny nodded miserably, Rafael sighed softly. " _Mi querido_ , I wish I'd known before."

 

"I know, I know," Sonny groaned. "I made you waste your time on me. I just... hell, Rafael, I just wanted to feel what it was like to date you. I'm sorry."

 

Rafael huffed. "You know, for a rather well-educated, if mouthy and ridiculous, man, you're not very astute. I worry for your future clients, should you ever move on to actually practice law. I shudder to think how this has impacted your work as a detective."

 

That certainly wasn't what Sonny had been expecting to hear. However, it seemed to yank him right out of his flat acceptance of the supposed rejection and pushed him straight into indignation.

 

"Hey! Wait just a damn minute--"

 

Rafael chuckled, relieved. "There he is," he said, reaching a hand to caress Sonny's cheek. "Listen, Sonny. If you don't want to do anything, we won't."

 

"... Just like that?" he asked, sounding not at all convinced.

 

"Just like that," Rafael agreed.

 

"But... why?"

 

"Why would I be fine with not pressuring you into having sex?" he asked, quirking an unamused brow. "You do remember where we both work, don't you?

 

"Alright, fine, stupid question," Sonny admitted. "Still weird. I mean, what if I never want to have sex and you totally fall in love with me?"

 

"Easy, Carisi," he said faux seriously. "Who's to say that will ever happen?"

 

"Well, I  _am_  pretty cute. Hard to resist."

 

"You're cuter when you shut up." Rafael grumbled, smiling in spite of himself when Sonny laughed.

 

The rest of that night had been incredible, in Sonny's opinion. They'd put on music and sat together on the couch, talking easily for a couple of hours. When it came time for bed (and when they realized it was too late for Rafael to walk home), Rafael had offered to take the couch. Sonny had scoffed and taken him to his bedroom. They changed into pajama pants -- and Sonny only teased Rafael a little when the legs in his borrowed ones turned out to be too long -- and climbed into bed together. Rafael only kissed him once more before pulling Sonny down to blanket his shorter body with Sonny's own lanky one.

 

Sonny fell asleep to Rafael running his hand gently up and down his back while his other hand played with the hairs on the nape of his neck.


End file.
